Hey there, freedom lovers!  I’m back from a trip to the Dog Birch Society conference, the annual powwow for freedom-loving, terrorist-hating canines from all around.  We had a presentation on how to sniff out and attack Democrats and terrorists (Squirrels? Terrorists! Hackey sack players? Democrats and Terrorists!).  The conference was somewhat marred by a Welsh Corgi who wouldn’t stop his sinful humping of other male dogs, so we had to cast him out.  Every vigorous little thrust from that guy hurt this country a little bit. 

Know what else we discussed?  Did you know the Democrat nominee doesn’t even own a dog?  He’s apparently not a cat person either, so he may not be the devil.  But no dog?  That’s pretty close.  John McCain (did you know he was a POW?), meanwhile, has four dogs, adorably named Lucy, Desi, Sam, and Coco.   So by my calculations, that makes McCain seventeen million hundred percent more America-loving than that other guy. 

Need proof that dog-loving equals America-loving? 

Nixon and his dog, Checkers.

Nixon: hated Commies, hippies, and Democrats.  Loved Checkers.  Loved America.

Heston and his pooch, Quimby.

Heston: loved guns, Moses, guns, shooting guns, and Quimby.  Loved America.

Reagan and Rex.

Reagan: Loved ketchup, tax cuts, and his dog, Rex. Hated commies. Loved America.

Clinton and Buddy.

Clinton: loved elitism, tax increases, and socialized health care.  And Buddy, well, Buddy mysteriously was hit by a car.  And thanks to a deep-pocketed pal of mine (who loves his own dog!), we’re starting a massive right-paw conspiracy to get to the bottom of this. 

So there you have it, Americans!  Vote this November for dog and country.