Look, Democrats hate America. It’s a well known fact. Mainly, they hate our freedom. I think they also hate apple pie. And probably mom, too. I love apple pie. It’s so delicious. I love all pies. Pumpkin, mincemeat, cherry, pot, shepard’s, rhubarb. You name it, I’ll eat it. And I’ll love it. And I’ll lick the pan and push it around the room with my nose to get every last morsel. And then I’ll look for more pie and if I find one, consume that one in the same manner. Hell, I’ll eat pie ’til I burst, if I can find enough pies. I don’t care if it’s not good for me. Self control is for sissies. And poodles. Usually I just get some scraps of pie at Thanksgiving, though. Nuts to that!

Democrats would be disgusted by my bacchanalian pie eating orgy. “Oh, no!,” they’d say, “slow down, we don’t have enough pie, let’s save some for tomorrow, don’t eat it all at once, let’s conserve that pie–ouch! Don’t bite me!”

If I could talk, I’d say, “Quit hating my freedom, Democrat! I’m free to eat as much pie as I want, and that’s what’s great about the U-S-A!” I’d probably have to say it in French so they understood. I can’t talk though, so I’d bark and maybe bite an ankle or a forearm. That’d show the freedom haters what America’s about.

It’s the same thing with this whole oil thing. Sure, I don’t drive, but my owners do. I need that car to run so I can stick my head out of it. I need it so my owners can go buy me more dog food and food to make pies. But Democrats want to take that car away from us and make us ride a bike even though I think I’m too big to fit in a basket. Meanwhile, heroic Republicans are fighting to protect America by pushing for more digging. Because they love America. Some of these heroes are even staying in Washington, DC and giving up their August recesses to stay in the darkened House chamber and yell about the need for more digging. That’s sacrifice. Here, they could be home in their districts, spending quality time with the wife and kids, going to spaghetti dinners at the local rotary club, walking around in the August sun shaking sweaty hands and pretending to smile all day long, but instead they’ve chosen to protect America from Democrats.

I’m a dog. I know digging. I dig all the time. And you know what? I find awesome stuff. Last week I found a half-buried deer carcass when I was digging. The week before that: an old tennis ball. I know, I couldn’t believe someone left it in the dirt either. But that’s the thing: you put a little effort into digging, and bingo, you’ve got a treasure. The Republicans want to dig because they know there’s great stuff out there for us to find. And because they love America.

They want to dig at the beach. I love digging at the beach. That sand really flies when you get after it. When my owners took me to the beach, I dug around for a bit and found some dead fish. I rolled and rolled in that dead fish until I was covered in its fragrance. Smelling like dead fish is what America’s all about. So let’s dig at the beach. We’ll find great stuff, I just know it.