Everyone’s waiting for Obama to text us his VP pick. I have my telegraph machine ready for when McCain announces his pick.

I dearly hope McCain is wise enough to pick Barney, George W. Bush’s Scottish Terrier. He has sniffed the ass of many powerful Republicans. (Note: Cheney never changes his underwear.) We all know, and we’re all very pleased, that the end of the Bush presidency will not be the end of the Bush presidency. Tricky Dick Cheney will continue to be the attack dog, while Barney fronts. Upon McCain’s prearranged death, Barney will step forward as the Manchurian Candidate and become leader of the free world!

Should McCain opt out of his own death, there’s always Representative Tom Tancredo. He’s a dog hero, a lover of freedom and hater of tacos, burritos and all other Mexican food that makes me bloated and gassy. He stood up to the authorities when “Dog the Bounty Hunter” was about to be extradited to Mexico on charges of bounty hunting. For those not hip to the dogosphere, “Dog” is The One to Republican pups like “Obama” is The One to Democrat pups. It’s every dog’s dream to be a bounty hunter and hunt down the bad guys. It’s what we’re bred to do. I would go to the gates of hell to hunt down Osama bin Laden… or to get my squeaky noodle-doodle toy. Hey, it may not be legal to bounty hunt in Mexico, but it is the good ol’ USA. There’s no way Americans or their dogs should be held to other countries’ laws, and Tom Tancredo understands that. Moreover, Tancredo would make for darn sure that no Mexican flea-ridden, stray dogs get through our high-tech fence into America.

My colleague of ill-repute, Barley Boo — he had the affair with Rielle Hunter, too — wrote about underdogs for Obama’s VP pick. Here’s my underdog for McCain: Duane Chapman, “Dog the Bounty Hunter” himself. Think about it. All dogs are interested in national security, and this guy is gonna go out and get the worst of the worst. Putin, Chavez, Mugabe, bin Laden, Socks the Cat. He will keep dogs safe, so choose him, Mr. McCain.

Thanks to the good folks at Gadzoo.com for spreading the news about Michael Vick’s former fighting dogs. (Gadzoo powers pet news on newspaper websites nationwide. Check your local newspaper for a pet page.)

It sounds like National Geographic will be airing a program dedicated to DogTown, where many of Vick’s pit bulls now live. Lo and behold, two of them are being honored with a Canine Good Citizen Award.

Law and order conservatives would have all pit bulls off the streets. It doesn’t matter that a tiny minority of them give the whole breed a bad rap. My owner’s sister’s pit bull is vegan and sleeps like a cat. She’s mildly aggressive when you rub her nipples too hard, but who wouldn’t be?

How about background checks for pit bull owners? Article 1, section 1, line 1 for that piece of legislation: Hyper-fast, cannon-armed NFL quarterbacks are prohibited from owning pit bulls. Leave your thoughts on who shouldn’t own a pit bull in the COMMENTS section.

I know, I know. Conservatives will say that this is the typical liberal blame-someone-else game. Just watch the National Geographic program and see who’s to blame.

Two emerging, authoritarian world powers were on display Friday. China launched the Olympics games with an acrobatic, running-on-air torch lighting stunt. Russia launched an overly aggressive counter-attack on its small foe, Georgia. Hello world, let me introduce the new world order. India can kill the Doha trade talks. China can veto UN action in Zimbabwe. And dogs might rule the world!

With all the talk of a post-American world, the discussion seems to miss an obvious new contender for power on the world stage: dogs. As the Earth’s economic globalization process creates a ballooning middle class, it buys dogs, and their food and accessories, in massive quantity.

In 2006, it was estimated there were 61 million dogs in America and over 62 million more in the Brazil, China and Russia. That’s an army that someone — the dogs’ Chengis Khan — will raise if Americans don’t listen to Cesar Milan and keep their pups in line.

What humans can count on for now is that there’s no political unity between dogs. The thrice pregnant street bitch of Mexico City has little in common with the the suburban golden retriever of the Ozzie and Harriet set. Try cobbling them into a political alliance.

Dogs are delicately riding a peaceful ascension in the world order, like the Chinese. However, there are frays at the edges: breed-specific legislation, the ridicule of gay marriage as a slippery slope to man-dog marriage, massive ownerlessness in third world countries, the Tibetan terrier problem.

Most dogs want a peaceful ascension into the world order (call them the “silent majority”). We want to keep our doggie pedicures, our “Obama Dog” scarfs and our dog bakery delicacies. We can tolerate the Cesar Milan authoritarianism and the constant tug at the “gentle” leader in exchange for the trappings of modern dog life. But let’s be clear: we should strive to eliminate the street dog culture of the third world, lest their be a doggie Che Guevara biding his time.

It seems like a long time ago that we were voting for George W. Bush based on the fact that “he’d be more fun to grab a beer with” than John Kerry (or Al Gore, for that matter). While the cast has changed, the major political parties’ choices for presidential candidates once again showcase how “in touch” they are with mainstream America. The Republicans’ choice of John McCain (who has been labeled a pug, if he were a dog) demonstrates a desire for a ferocious, rough-around-the-edges, straight-barking man in our country’s top position. He’s got attitude, he’s got grit and a whole lot of hands-on experience. Much like his predecessor, he’s a guy would rather tell a good story over an ice-cold Bud Light than discuss the latest computer gadget.

The Democrats, on the other hand, have chosen Barack Obama as their standard-bearer. Obama (a Great Dane, if he were reincarnated as a dog) is a cool, suave, intellectual who caters to the “techie” crowd. As a dog who knows how to blog, I consider myself relatively technologically advanced, but I’m no dog nerd - those pets who constantly check their dogbook and mydogspace profiles. All the Obama bandana-wearing poodles that I see at the dog park are a bit too uppity for my taste. They always have the newest technology gadget, but oftentimes lack old-fashioned values. While McCain has gotten a lot of flak for not understanding how to write an email, as an all-american pet, do I care whether my president can send an email? He probably wouldn’t send one to me, so why does it matter?

Dogs who sit at the coffee shop and read The New York Times while their owners sip on lattes and play with their new iPhones are not in my opinion, in touch with mainstream America.

The frenzy over The New Yorker cover depicting Barack Obama as a Muslim got me thinking about discrimination. Not black v. white, or Christian v. Muslim, rather human v. dog.

The New Yorker cover was good satire. It’s also satirical when I do the “terrorist fist jab” (as coined by Fox News) with my dog friends. Am I a terrorist because I’m being ironic and bark “Allah u akbar” as I fist bump? No. But some dense, middle-aged white woman at the dog park might think I am. Especially if a Fox News anchor discerns that I have terrorist tendencies because of my species. That’s species profiling.

Watching me fist bump, moreover, one gets the impression that I might be gay. I’m a little limp-wristed. When I try to jump up on a human, for instance, my gangly legs bend at the wrist and I look kind of like a praying mantis. I’ve heard - from human and dog alike - some pretty rich language to describe my sexuality. Please. I had my testes cut off when I was five months old. I pee like a girl. I’m asexual, really. I reserve my humping for one dog and one dog only, my friend Tucker. But it has nothing to do with sex. Humans need to stop making false assumptions about dog sexuality based on whom we hump. When they giggle and call us names at the dog park, all I can think is that hate language is discrimination.

Then there’s the Breed Specific Legislation issue that is purely discriminatory. Drinking fountains for whites-only, anybody? Last week I tried to go to a concert in St. Paul with my pit bull friend, Chiquita. We wanted to see our cat-friend’s owner’s rock band, His Mischief. I’m a fluffy golden doodle, and I’m more ferocious than my lazy pit bull compatriot. But we weren’t allowed in. Chiquita’s breed, like Obama’s supposed creed, mattered more than the content of her character.

Stop the Doggie discrimination is all I’m sayin’.

The Dog Vote

Try explaining the intersection of governance and “Web 2.0″ to my neighbors’ 11-year old golden retriever. Ask him - with a snausage as a reward for a good answer - how are blogs, email, Twitter and YouTube changing popular participation in politics?

Why does it matter that an 11-year old golden retriever couldn’t answer such a question? Because it’s like a 72-year old presidential candidate who can’t answer that question. (See the dog year to human year graph.)

John McCain has admitted that he doesn’t know how to use a computer. “I’m an illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all the assistance I can get.” That’s more laughable than when Bush said he occasionally uses “the Google” to look up his ranch on a map.

The internet has politically empowered dogs in first-world countries whose owners have enough disposable income to feed them and buy them computers and internet service. Here’s the rub: most dogs under 5-years old use the internet as their primary means of communication. (Who needs the dog park when you have dogster.com?) McCain will not win many of their votes.

UPDATE: Proof-positive that there are dogs in the world with more computer knowledge than McCain: “On the internet, nobody knows you’re a blog.”

There’s been excessive talk of Barack Obama’s diet in this election. Covering his tail for citing the price of arugula among corn-fed Iowans, he was forced to coyly reveal that he ate pot roast and jello as a kid in Kansas. We saw him down waffles and pancakes campaigning in Pennsylvania.

None of this meant a whole lot to dogs. Then my owner had “The View” on the other day with guest host Michelle Obama. I was dozing off during the “Best of Breakfast” segment. Michelle asked something about pomegranate juice, and I was zzzzz….

“We’re bacon people.” What? Bacon.

The ladies of The View were talking about my favorite breakfast food. It kept kept flashing on the screen, teasing me.

“Does Obama eat bacon?” “He’ll eat bacon,” Michelle replied. He’ll eat bacon.

And just like that, the candidate’s diet has become a relevant issue for dogs. The dogosphere is buzzing about Barack’s love for our most holy meal. Does that make him more appealing to the dog vote? We’ll poll it and find out.

“How do I know if my dog is a Republican or Democrat?”

Dogs are independent-minded and not necessarily affiliated with the same party as their owners. I happen to live in a comfortable apartment with two liberal elites, and I’m a product of my environment. I eat Solid Gold Wolf King All-Natural Salmon/Bison Food. I don’t know how to bowl. My owner reads me Eugene Robinson columns from the Post. You get my point.

But it’s easy to diverge from our owners’ viewpoints. As dogs, we have a separate agenda that must be catered to. It takes some research to decide, too. The “drive-by media” doesn’t report on the candidates’ views on universal veterinary care or when they think a dozen puppy fetuses become dogs.

For what it’s worth, Barack Obama was endorsed by The Humane Society. He’s improved on animal welfare issues while McCain has remained stagnant. Obama supported the interests of The Humane Society in 20 percent of votes in 2005, then 60% in 2006, and 75% in 2007. McCain was rated 20%, 40% and 25% over that same period.

The Humane Society agenda is not every dog’s agenda, however. We are not a coherent voting block like “hard-working Americans, white Americans.” I have friends who are hunters. You’ll sooner pry a gun from their owners’ hands than pry the duck from their cold, dead canine incisors.

When voting this fall, remember to not let your owner drag you into the voting both with that f-ing chest harness. Think for yourself. The fate of our nation lies in our paws.

The effects of the recent earthquake in China continue to be devastating for all who have been affected. While humanitarian aid for humans is still critically needed, please don’t forget about the earthquake’s broader effects on plants and animals in the region. Click here: http://www.animalsasia.org/ to read about a wonderful organization helping to rescue pets affected by the worthwhile cause. Dogs have even helped to find trapped victims!!

Ever wonder who the candidates leave behind when they’re on the campaign trail – other than their families, that is? Yes, a few of our current (and former) crop of presidential candidates are pet lovers just like you and me! Here’s the rundown:

Republicans

• John McCain’s house must be quite the zoo! His animal family includes dogs Sam (English Springer Spaniel) and Coco (mutt), turtles Cuff and Link, cat Oreo, a ferret, three parakeets and a tank-ful of fish.
• Mike Huckabee is a true dog person. He owns Jet (Black Lab) and Sonic (Shih Tzu).
• Rudy Giuliani has no pets back home. People say his wife, Judy, keeps him on a pretty short leash!

Democrats

• Barack Obama has no pets currently, but his daughters are lobbying very hard for a dog!
• Hillary Clinton (and her husband Bill) shared the White House with Socks (black and white cat) and Buddy (Chocolate Lab). The two pets famously did NOT get along. The Clintons have since adopted another lab named Seamus.
• John Edwards has both a Chocolate Lab and a Golden Retriever. Am I alone in thinking Edwards reminds you an awful lot of a golden retriever?